I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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