i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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