question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
