my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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