Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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