i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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