dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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