Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
