I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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