You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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