My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
