the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
