i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
