Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
