i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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