apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
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i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
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Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.