Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.