hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
