I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
