mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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