You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
