I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
