I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
