She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
