When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
