Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
