I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
