i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
