Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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