Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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