I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
