I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
