my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
