I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
