After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.â€
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
