Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
