Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
