Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
