I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
being pregnant is like rehab
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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