Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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