Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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