dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
