WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
