she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Say something about gay babies.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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