Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
