Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I think i got beer on your cat.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
