Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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