ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I want to fling myself into the sun
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