I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
ttyl tear gas
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
