Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The convent might be a nice break from real life
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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