Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
