I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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