ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
