Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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