My boss' voice literally gives me gas
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
