u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
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I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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