in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
