I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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