Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
