The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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