I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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